Limbo

Him and her.
They were as they have always been... Or not. Something was a bit different, but neither wish to acknowledge it.
We are friends. So they said, but in their hearts, they have crossed the borders of friendship. Families have wrecked hell when they found out him and her, together. They were unapproved. Therefore, they give up. We will be just friends.
How? When deep inside, you long to see each other so much that it hurts. How? When just being with you makes the world brighter.
We are just the bestest of best friends. She smiled and looked at him. He did the same. In sync.
She told me quietly, I have never regretted, however short those days were. Because we have truely loved then.
They were probably buying time. Able to spend even a minute more by your side, able to breath in your smile for one more hour, able to drink in your voice for one more day. Until the day they graduate, until the day they part ways. Until the day when a choice had to be made.
I met them one day. Two people walking side by side, a tall dark figure contrasted by a small fair one. They were going off to study together, walking slightly apart, each hugging their own textbooks. The light threw their shadows on the ground, hand in hand, close to each other.

Birthday in Putrajaya

This one looks so philosophical. Feels like the person is pondering over something.






















































I like this one the best.

???

This is life.

I looked at myself and wonder who I am.

I always tell people what I feel about my time. When I was in high school, I used to fall asleep in class (as usual), and I would dream about having next week's class. But when I woke up, I'm still in this week's class. In my dreams, we are already at the 8th chapter, but when I woke up, the teacher is still lecturing at the 7th chapter. Strange enough, when we are having the 8th lecture, the contents do appear very familiar...

I've left high school for a year, but it seems like 5 or 6 years now. I keep going back, expecting everyone I know has graduated, but returned to find some familiar faces still. I always feel very confused about time.

Don't feel like my age at all. But then that kind of things varied a lot between individuals... Some people are very mature at a very young age due to life experiences and education, while some are just plain kids for their age. Not sure what I am... What's my age again?

Maybe I should be a boy instead of a girl? Maybe I should be that instead of this. No way of finding out which way is the best, as there's no turning back...

The one in the mirror smiles at my shocked face. This is really a bit too weird...

The First Time I Met Him

The first time I saw him, a tall dark figure with a cold but strikingly handsome face. My 9-year-old heart was drawn to him immediately. I asked him then, if I could go with him. His lips curled slightly as he whispered, “No, my dear. For you are far too young.” Then, he turned and disappeared into the crowd.

9 years later, I have grown into a young lady. I met him again, on the street among the thousands of passers-by. He still looked as he was 9 years ago. I wonder how many hearts fell for that face of his. He saw me and gave me a thin smile as recognition. At that moment, I felt burdened with life. The sight of him relieved me. I tried to grab his arm, to ask him the same question. But he shook his head before I had even opened my mouth.

“No, my dear. For you still have much to do here.” Once again he disappeared beneath the waves of people.

But please! I really want to go with you! Why don’t you let me come? I’m sick and tired of this place! I’m sick and tired of everything here! There’s nothing I want, nothing I seek here. Why don’t you just let me come?

He appeared again. For the first time, a sad expression replaced his usual cold mask. “It is not your time yet. The solace that you seek is not in me. Going away with me will not solve all your problems. I have seen too many regretting their rash choice of going with me, I don’t want you to follow their foot steps.”

“Even when nobody listens to you, you will listen to yourself. Even when nobody supports you, you’ll always pull yourself through. You already have a best friend, and that is you. That’s why you cannot give up on yourself.”

But this is way too sad! With no one else in the world to care for me except myself? What kind of life do you call that?

“This is reality. This is life. If there are others in this world who can live by this rule, why can’t you?”

Because I envy those who have friends who would readily lend them a shoulder to lean on. I envy those who always have ears that listen no matter what. I have to bear my burden on my own, but I keep seeing others who have friends to share their burden. I have many acquaintances, but true friends…

Even when coming 'home' becomes a torture. Do they really want me here? Nobody said 'welcome home', just started scolding 'why are you making a mess! Why are you not washing your clothes!'

I’m tired! Really tired! I have to do everything straight! I have to be a good leader, when I’m not. I have to be paying back my debts when I have no income at all. Everybody thinks I have a happy life. Everybody thinks I’m supposed to be always cheerful and not have any problems?

“All the troubles I have, I’ve kept to myself. I wouldn’t even dare to tell my mom that there were many times I just want to die since I was 9. I tried telling her once, and she just said ‘Silly child, you don’t know how to appreciate how lucky you are.’”

He just stood there, listening to all my troubles. “But still you have to live on. If you die, your parents will be heart-broken. It would break them to lose their only child. Believe it or not, there are friends who really cherished your existence, how you are always there to help them. You might not see it, but there are indeed people who cared for you even if they didn’t express it. You really mustn’t give up on yourself just like that.”

“Why do you think I have kept alive for so long? But I have really stretched on for so long. I don’t know how long I can hold on anymore…”

“When the time comes when you really can’t take it anymore, I promise you, then and only then I will come and take you away. For now, please hold on a little longer, even if only just for the time being. I am Death, but it still breaks my heart to see people die.”

I nodded, my vision blurring behind the curtain of tears. When I looked again, he was gone. Well, I have Death’s promise to be my refuge only at the worst times. For now, I will continue to fend for myself until unknown future.

LoSt

In the midst of murky blue, with no landmark to spot...
In the midst of wilderness, with nothing familiar I know...

I'm lost,
with crowds sweeping pass me,
people pulling at me,
people giving me directions,
but I still end up here.

I'm lost,
bought maps,
asked around,
attempted every road and back,
but still I ended up here.

I'm lost.
Only God knows the way.

Suicide

This is a story my friend wrote. About a person who committed suicide and he has to carry his own body and haunt the site until judgement day. Moral of the story, it's not fun to kill yourself really. You think everything's solved when you die? It only makes matters worse. Think twice before you do...

Gift

I was very curious about a boy in class once. He would always perched on the far end corner of the classroom, alone, always away from everybody else. He would stay there, even when lecturers request him to move to more populated areas. He would always walk briskly with his head down.

I don't remember how I approached him, but I talked to him one day. I was very late to class, and I sneaked into the lecture room and sat right next to him in the far end corner of the class. I was wondering how to start talking to him, when he spoke.

"You know, everybody in this class, not everyone concentrates on the lesson. Some girl over there is thinking about her boy friend, somebody over there wants to go shopping. Imagine all 200 students in this class are talking out loud, wouldn't it be a din?" I blinked at him, trying to grasp his words.

"Sitting far from everyone else, the reception is less powerful. It is something like a radio, the waves don't reach that far. Besides, when you can see into their hearts, it is horrifying how much darkness you can find within."

It suddenly dawned on me. "So, does it mean...?"
He nodded slowly, "That is why I choose to stay away from everybody else. To protect myself from all those lies and deceptions. People, they seldom think good."

"But you can't just judge by that. You can tell when a person is telling a truth, you can tell who is really pure of heart. Nobody is perfect, even you yourself is not 100 percent pure of heart. We all have darkness, but maybe not that much. Maybe I don't understand how you feel, but I know how humans can be quite bad. Still, I choose to believe that the probability of people being good is higher than when they are not so good."

He kept silent. At that point the class ended, I left him where he was still lost in his thoughts. I remembered the times when I was betrayed by my best friend, how I was deceived by someone else I trusted. Still I believe that people are born to be good, we just have to be careful ourselves and judge the circumstances. If we trust no one, life could become rather sad and lonely.

I haven't seen him for a long time since. I have always wanted the ability to read minds, but would I end up like him? To have something, we have to lost something as well. Am I ready to bear the consequences? I sincerely hope that he is able to make friends and become happier.

Faded Friendships

It is strange how people can change so fast. She still remember when they were still friends. Good friends, or so she thought. She still smiles at the things that they did together, and all the memories they created together.

All of a sudden, he just didn't seem to care for her anymore. It's like 100 celcius dropping abruptly to the freezing point. She felt that she had lost a friend, in some way that she didn't know. She didn't even see it coming.

Then she found out why. She knew the girl, always thought the both of them were made for each other. In fact, she is happy that he finally found someone that suits him. Good luck to them and may they be happy for as long as they can. It's just that she felt a little at lost.

It was like when she had a very good friend in Form 1. Then he transfered to another school. To her every friend is like a treasure to be kept. They kept contact with one another for the next five years, but he had his own life in another place, and gradually they just lost contact. She wondered, how they just started talking to each other like they knew each other for years when they first met, and now they hardly know of each others' existence. He is somewhere out there, in this same little piece of land, but they never contacted each other anymore. The friendship that had grown so strongly crumbled like dust.

Another friend of hers knew her since primary school. She has no idea why that friend admires her so much. She still remembers when how her friend would tell her friend's mother excitedly what a good friend she was. Now, she has no idea where that other girl was, probably more successful than she is now. Maybe it is best not to see her again, so that she would be remembered as a successful person. Another of her friend who dropped out of her life although there was a time when they did everything together.

And now, it is the same with him. Ever since he got a girlfriend, he hardly talks to her anymore. Well, he has got new priorities now, what would he care about a friend who has nothing to do with him? And he will be like her friends before him, slowly fading away from her life. For she will meet new friends again, and so would he.

Sometimes, in the quiet of the night, she would spread out the memories of long ago. Memories, all that was left of those withered friendships. She has no idea why she still clings to these faded old memories, maybe they reminded her of those happy times. Sometimes it hurts to feel that she has lost those friends, that they couldn't go on being good friends forever. Maybe someday she will meet them again and she would thank them for those happy memories. For these memories are the the best gifts that one could ever have, although the friends are no longer here.

现实

是夜。她带着疲惫的身躯坐在梳妆台前，缓缓地卸下那厚厚粉底的脸皮。她厌恶地看着手中那带着殷勤笑容的脸皮，感觉很虚伪。镜中映着她原本清秀的面容，自然 而不做作。不知道是哪位前辈曾经对她说过，真诚的心只有在自己独处时才可以拿出来欣赏。在别人面前露出真诚只不过是将自己的弱点暴露，让小人有机可乘。

多悲哀啊！她本来不相信，但是事到如今，她也不知何时为自己戴上了保护色。成长本来就苦涩，她也从来不曾祈求成长早日到来。但人总要长大，也只有认了。只有夜深人静时，独自一人回味着当年的真心。

Loop

Sometimes you just sit in your room and you have no idea where you were heading. It's some sort of irony that gets you hooked into a logic loop.

You were hoping to do a business because you wanted to make money. You didn't have a lot of money with you, that is the reason you wanted to make money. But you need money to do a business. Ok, you want to do a business to make money but you don't have the money to do the business. To do business so that you can get money. But you need money to do the business. You don't have money, therefore you are going no where because you are caught up in the loop.

Unless you know how to break the loop, or you'll just stay stuck.

Same goes with the writer. I want to write so that people knows about me. But the publishers won't publish unless I am famous. I can't be famous if I don't get published, I won't be famous. If I'm not famous I won't get published. Whatever, I'll just start with taking a small step out. Try mailing the works, who cares about getting published yet.

So the loop cracked.