The First Time I Met Him

The first time I saw him, a tall dark figure with a cold but strikingly handsome face. My 9-year-old heart was drawn to him immediately. I asked him then, if I could go with him. His lips curled slightly as he whispered, “No, my dear. For you are far too young.” Then, he turned and disappeared into the crowd.

9 years later, I have grown into a young lady. I met him again, on the street among the thousands of passers-by. He still looked as he was 9 years ago. I wonder how many hearts fell for that face of his. He saw me and gave me a thin smile as recognition. At that moment, I felt burdened with life. The sight of him relieved me. I tried to grab his arm, to ask him the same question. But he shook his head before I had even opened my mouth.

“No, my dear. For you still have much to do here.” Once again he disappeared beneath the waves of people.

But please! I really want to go with you! Why don’t you let me come? I’m sick and tired of this place! I’m sick and tired of everything here! There’s nothing I want, nothing I seek here. Why don’t you just let me come?

He appeared again. For the first time, a sad expression replaced his usual cold mask. “It is not your time yet. The solace that you seek is not in me. Going away with me will not solve all your problems. I have seen too many regretting their rash choice of going with me, I don’t want you to follow their foot steps.”

“Even when nobody listens to you, you will listen to yourself. Even when nobody supports you, you’ll always pull yourself through. You already have a best friend, and that is you. That’s why you cannot give up on yourself.”

But this is way too sad! With no one else in the world to care for me except myself? What kind of life do you call that?

“This is reality. This is life. If there are others in this world who can live by this rule, why can’t you?”

Because I envy those who have friends who would readily lend them a shoulder to lean on. I envy those who always have ears that listen no matter what. I have to bear my burden on my own, but I keep seeing others who have friends to share their burden. I have many acquaintances, but true friends…

Even when coming 'home' becomes a torture. Do they really want me here? Nobody said 'welcome home', just started scolding 'why are you making a mess! Why are you not washing your clothes!'

I’m tired! Really tired! I have to do everything straight! I have to be a good leader, when I’m not. I have to be paying back my debts when I have no income at all. Everybody thinks I have a happy life. Everybody thinks I’m supposed to be always cheerful and not have any problems?

“All the troubles I have, I’ve kept to myself. I wouldn’t even dare to tell my mom that there were many times I just want to die since I was 9. I tried telling her once, and she just said ‘Silly child, you don’t know how to appreciate how lucky you are.’”

He just stood there, listening to all my troubles. “But still you have to live on. If you die, your parents will be heart-broken. It would break them to lose their only child. Believe it or not, there are friends who really cherished your existence, how you are always there to help them. You might not see it, but there are indeed people who cared for you even if they didn’t express it. You really mustn’t give up on yourself just like that.”

“Why do you think I have kept alive for so long? But I have really stretched on for so long. I don’t know how long I can hold on anymore…”

“When the time comes when you really can’t take it anymore, I promise you, then and only then I will come and take you away. For now, please hold on a little longer, even if only just for the time being. I am Death, but it still breaks my heart to see people die.”

I nodded, my vision blurring behind the curtain of tears. When I looked again, he was gone. Well, I have Death’s promise to be my refuge only at the worst times. For now, I will continue to fend for myself until unknown future.